I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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