Who wears a wallet chain?!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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