I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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