I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
