My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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