Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
