i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
