I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
