Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
