i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
