i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
