I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize