There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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