NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
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