I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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