I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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