he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
