i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
