Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
