I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
