fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you never un-have a 4some
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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