I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
