The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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