Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
