I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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