the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
being pregnant is like rehab
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
