I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize