I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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