Is it because I queefed?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
