home. puking in laundry basket.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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