i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
