my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
