I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
