I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
