I met the friendliest cop last night
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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