Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
