dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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