my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
