Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
