It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
