it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
