My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
