I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
