She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
