I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize