Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
