Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize