Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
COCAINE IS GR8
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize