I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
