I bet he comes in French.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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