My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
