I wish I only lived at night.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My legs feel like baby dolphins
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