the condom got lost in my hair
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
