oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
