wrigley field is MILF paradise
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
