I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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