On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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