Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize