So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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