I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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