At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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