I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
