TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
