He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
