Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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