Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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