is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
